On Forgetting How Brave You Are
This year, I awoke on my birthday and remembered something I had slowly forgotten.
I remembered how brave I am.
I recognized that much (if not all) of my life would seem shocking, uncommon, and crazy to most of the world — and that it has all become utterly normal or happenstance to me.
I thought about my life thus far…
Pilar’s quick list of brave things:
- born into death
- survived a childhood of myriad forms of abuse
- moved out when I was 16
- was failing high school and, through multiple transfers, got myself into a highly prestigious college
- graduated with honors amidst disagreeing with the academic system at large and was hired into a company doing amazing things my senior year amidst a job market that I was told would make it impossible to be hired
- left a ‘safe’ and ‘stable’ job, a comfy 5-year relationship, and an all-around great (by most societal definitions) life to live and work on organic farms
- having only spent 2 days together –– began a committed relationship in a tent, living and working on a farm together full time (p.s. we’re getting married 9 years later, so I guess we were onto something)
- went from fully supporting myself financially (via multiple jobs) to living below the poverty line for 4 years (while still carrying an immense amount of privilege)
- started a business from quite literally nothing
- repeatedly considered industry standards and norms, then intentionally did something different
- ruffled the feathers of popular human designer experts, big-time business coaches, and well-known spiritual teachers simply by being myself
- moved from living with family into our own house, hired an employee, and more without really ‘having the money'
- relied on the Bank of the Divine for income my entire business journey
- retired my fiancé
- am the sole financial supporter of my little family and have been for 3+ years
- have 2 employees
- have a career that I quite literally cannot describe that triggers most people when they hear about it
Why did I forget my bravery?
In the last 3 years, I have been ruthlessly deconstructed, decomposed, and regenerated.
Call it non-stop Neptune oppositions to the majority of my natal chart. Call it Saturn return. Call it continuing to say yes to Life.
3 major deaths. Ongoing lineage work. Saying goodbye to the 2 most important women and caretakers in my life. Preparing to become an orphan. A massive financial investment gone horribly wrong (and yet… right). A complete loss of trust in myself. Becoming totally disenchanted with the industry I was in. Deep confusion around my path and my work. The list goes on.
On the morning of my birthday, I woke up, and the remaining wisps of an elongated fog of forgetting seemed to recede in a holy moment.
I remembered my courage.
I remembered that this is not a dress rehearsal.
I remembered my hungry and foolish appetite for Life.
Every cell of my being came alive at the notion that life comes in utterly unique seasons, and as quickly as they arrive—they shift and change.
I felt my burning desire to live and to reap this season. Because the truth is, I will never get it back.
I lay in bed, basking in this cold river of revitalizing energy. Chris brought me a birthday-in-bed coffee with steamed raw creamer and noticed a glimmer in my eyes.
I took a sip and allowed myself to soak in the pools of my own courage.
Because here’s what else happened in the last 3 years:
- 3 major deaths that, with great precision, took with them walls imprisoning my heart.
- Ongoing lineage work that, without fail, reminds me that it’s all my work.
- Saying goodbye to the 2 most important women in my life who, in their passings, showered me with the fires of liberation. Stripped me of karma that was no longer mine to bear. And created space for my inner Mother to finally take her throne.
- Preparing to become an orphan and—holding the torch of power as the only living woman in my direct line.
- A massive financial investment gone wildly wrong that demanded I become audaciously deliberate in what I stand for and my commitment to integrity. An investment that allowed me to clean up karmic messes around money, success, and power. The space to be delivered me into new realms of these energies beyond what words can tell.
- A complete loss of trust in myself that revealed to me all the gaps in my previous definition of this experience –– resulting in having to rebuild, from the ground up, what trusting myself and trusting Life even meant to me.
- Becoming totally disenchanted with the industry I was in — only to have my eyes purified by the gardens of EDEN. The very creation that birthed during this time is the same thing that reignited my hope, passion, and enchantment for this great work. (Thank you, EDEN family.)
- Deep confusion around my path and my work that propelled me into the exquisite wrath of the Mystery, unearthed geysers of compassion, and, when I was genuinely ready to not just see but appreciate it, held up a polished mirror to my fire.
I forgot how brave I am.
And you may have, in some ways, as well.
Let this be a reminder of your spirit.
Try this: what’s your own quick list of brave moments that you can easily reference? Notice how your system changes as you allow these moments to arise.
